The Art of Falling Apart
Oh, the paradox of desperately wanting our lives to change and frantically avoiding the process of any of that happening. We humans are pretty cute, ya know.
Isn't it fascinating how we can be utterly miserable with our current circumstances, but so hesitant—or even full-blown resistant—to allowing any of it to change?
We all know that person (and have more than likely been that person at least nine times) who does nothing but complain about their current life circumstances, yet always seems to have the perfect excuse for why change isn't possible. Not right now, anyway!
Whether it's financial, emotional, familial—you name it—I assure you, that shift can happen and desperately needs to for the sake of your own happiness (and the ears of everyone else).
In every necessary shift that we avoid, we are choosing the discomfort of our current circumstances over the discomfort of facing the prickly fact that things have to fall apart in order to be reorganized and fall into place.
And that avoidance makes sense. I mean, we're talking about letting everything fall apart here!! [said in Seinfeld's panic voice]
That's no small ask. It not only means dissolving your current reality, but it can potentially even mean dissolving your current identity.
Those Damn Black Hats
Remember that era, maybe a few years ago, of really popular black hats that had a big round brim? You weren't just cool if you wore one—you were cool if you wore one on the back of your head so that it created this giant round black halo (or object for me to be distracted by during our conversation).
I feel safe enough now to openly state how much I really hate those hats. Thank you for holding space for me. And my apologies if you're wearing one right now.
To the point.
Our "identity" is made up of an accumulation of hats we wear. Some are timeless fedoras, like being a mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, or son. And some are these giant black circles that are cool for a second and then just annoy everyone else, like being overly blunt, a whiner, or playing the "victim"... which I shall expand upon.
For the sake of shortening the learning curve for anyone interested by approximately one entire DECADE, I would like to kindly suggest brushing off the back of your scalp the identity hat of a victim.
By clinging to the cap of a victim of circumstance, a person, people, or an organization, you are not only giving away your power, you are subconsciously clinging to an excuse for not budging from the life that isn't working for you.
They become the excuse for every emotion you feel, every behavior you don't change, every habit you lean into, and every time you avoid making real change and go back to being small.
Part of allowing things to fall apart so they can reorganize into your own version of a perfect life means taking responsibility for your own reactions, emotions, and behaviors rather than letting the unfortunate choices of people or organizations control your entire life experience.
Now I usually speak in sparkles, so please don't mistake my frank tone for a lack of understanding. I am fully aware of this pattern through my own experiences and have deep compassion for the pain and suffering that can arise from the brutality and unfairness this world can deliver.
Life can be difficult. And oftentimes, despite our pure intentions, other people suck. But that's about as far as they need to be written in the story after we gain deeper understanding and move on.
To summarize what could be an entire book (and will undoubtedly be at least a chapter in my future saga): stop giving so much of your power away to others. Your power is your own. Claim it.
Silly Noodles
Being quite literally wired for survival, our human brains have built a habit around this unrealistic expectation that while we are unhappily living our lives, complaining about our jobs, our health, our partner (or lack thereof), and the myriad disappointments that we desperately want to shift... it happens!
The job appears! Our health is back! The dreamboat asks us out! Now we can let go of all that garbage that we no longer wanted that was always holding us back.
I get it. I do it over and over myself. Even when there are aspects of our lives that are clearly and painfully not working, we cling to them in order to avoid the void—aka the unknown.
Rarely do we consider the fact that the unknown is not an endless source of pain and suffering, but in all actuality, the source and birthplace of everything we have ever wanted.
Sure, in rare circumstances, maybe people have experienced the perfect shift they needed being placed in their lap with no effort on their part after years and years of complaining. But I personally wouldn't bank on that one!
Here is the reality of how a necessary change actually happens within the realms of our reality:
What isn't working will begin to feel uncomfortable. It could be a small voice telling you something isn't right, or it could be a deep knowing that, woof, this career, town, partner, way of living, or habit has overstayed its welcome.
Once we know, we have an opportunity to make a shift. The issue is, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes the discomfort we are feeling from our unfortunate circumstances isn't as painful as the discomfort of changing them. So we don't, and we lean into the excuses of why we can't.
Theeeen life says, "Okay, got it, you just need me to make it worse for you!" And any small pings, knowings, or messages start to become glaring sirens, typhoons, and eventually life-shattering incidents. Life is essentially dialing up the discomfort until our current circumstances are finally worse than the pain of making the necessary changes that will ultimately bring us to our greatest joy.
To make it clear: if your hands are full of holding onto (or desperately clinging to) what is clearly no longer working for you, you have no space to hold anything else.
In the words of every dog owner ever, DROP IT.
Space has to be created for something new to come in. So like it or not (and let it or not), if you don't let go, life is going to show up, smack what it needs to out of your hands, and moonwalk away.
But Not Like, To Be Mean…
The truth is, life loves us to the point that it will do just about anything to make us happy. Life is never trying to steamroll you just for the sake of it, despite the fact that it truly can feel that way, amarite?
So when things are falling apart, it's simply because something beautiful is preparing to come in. Deep wisdom, growth, the perfect career, town, partner, and way of living.
I have shaken a fist in the air with the best of 'em, only to later say, "I am so glad that didn't work out... thank you!"
And I am positive you can think of at least one time in your life when you were grateful for what fell apart too.
Life is loving enough to remove what is no longer working from your hands so that it can hand you the most beautiful treasure you've ever seen... your own happiness.
But yeah, the old thoughts, behaviors, habits, people, places, and things taking up the space necessary for that treasure to fit have to go.
The old version of yourself and the life you had been living (that you were so openly claiming to be the worst, BTW) have to be handed over.
You are the one who deep down knows you could be happier. You are the one painfully pondering a better life when your head is on your pillow. You are the one who has been telling yourself and everyone else how miserable a certain aspect of your life is.
So YOU are the one who is going to need to let go of what sucks in order to actually be happier.
No one is going to come and save you from the life you don't want. A garbage truck can only take away your bags of trash if you bring them to the curb... and life can only give you what you want when you remove what is no longer working.
Dat Void Tho…
Despite our instinct to panic when we experience the void—which is that space after letting go of what no longer serves us but before what is for us arrives—this can actually be one of the most powerful growth opportunities and moments of expansion in your life.
But that's not to discount the pain.
The void can be devastating when it comes to matters of the heart, like relationships, and it can be downright terrifying when it comes to matters of career and finances.
So if you are staring into vast nothingness with fully dilated pupils, remember these two things:
1. Employ Irrational Faith
We can build trust in the scary twists and turns of life by looking at the proof of support we've always had in the past.
No matter how brutal, bad, or difficult a situation was, did it not always work out for your highest good or leave you with deeper, necessary wisdom to carry forward?
Hold a William Wallace level of dedication to trust that it will all work out. Because it will.
When you look back at yourself during a difficult situation that eventually worked out for your highest good, what is something you would tell that version of yourself?
Can you tell that to yourself now?
2. Open Up
Whether you full-blown panic and lose it or breathe, breathe again, and breathe some more... does the outcome change?
(Oh, pick me! I'll answer this one! NO.)
So there is no need to contract and block the shift.
Not to lasagna-layer anxiety here, but yes, we can enter a panic state and block the shift trying to happen for us. So open up and breathe.
The more you breathe during difficult times, the more accessible that feeling of peace and trust is—and therefore the faster your shift will actually take place.
This is happening for you, and believe it or not, you are safe to shift. All is well.
Everything really will be okay.
Soon you'll be holding the treasure of your own happiness, thanking the stars above for the way everything shattered into tiny pieces, yet somehow perfectly fell back into place, creating the most stunning mosaic you’ve ever seen.
And one final message for that desperate part of yourself that just wants to know how the story ends before you can take that first step…don’t ruin the surprise ;)